March 8, 2020, was the beginning of what seemed to be the end of my writing journey. On this day, I uploaded the last substantial piece of writing to my site. Little did I know that in a few days, humanity would be tested, and daily lives would change significantly. It was also at this time that I lost my muse.
I found myself in a bit of survival mode. My focus was keeping my family healthy, ensuring I had income rolling in, and trying to find some goodness amongst the mental muck and isolation. My day-to-day was full of uncertainty as I watched the news and worked from my makeshift home office. (Home office – what is that!?) Covid changed the workforce landscape and affected the mental health of many. The stress and isolation took a toll. I could not find the desire to write. I continued maintaining my website, but it did not include any writing. I would tell myself, “Don’t worry; you will find your way back to your creative mind and reacquaint yourself with your personal muse, your inspiration.” But I didn’t.
In winter 2021, I returned to school to earn my master’s degree in integrated marketing communications. My days were focused on my present job, and my nights were consumed with my studies. I only had time for discussion posts and weekly writing assignments. Hours were spent researching, reading, and familiarizing myself with scholarly works. There was no room in my mind for creativity. I found myself in another form of survival mode. I became a machine under pressure. Writing would have to wait.
I am proud to announce I graduated in May of 2023. I earned my degree and am incredibly proud and amazed that it is over. I do not regret it, but I would be a liar if I did not admit that it was one of the most challenging things I have accomplished. It has been 11 months since I closed my student account and filed away all the papers and readings. As always, I feel I should be superhuman and bounce back to what life was like before grad school, but what was that? In the winter of 2021, we were facing a second wave of the pandemic, and my youngest child was in his second semester of college. My life before grad school was full of change and chaos. I felt lost and a bit out of sorts with school behind me. I was finding that I never really dealt with the emotions of my home becoming an empty nest and what that meant or looked like.
You see, I became a wife at 24, only two years after graduating from college, a mother at 26, and a mother again at 28. My entire adult life has been academics, working, and caring for a family and a home. My children were and still are my world, and even more so after my marriage ended. Their happiness and daily well-being were my top priority. I placed my needs on the back burner. After 18+ years, they have gracefully entered adulthood and do not need their momma daily. I must admit, my life has never been this quiet in what feels like decades, if ever.
There have been many days since last May that I have felt lost, depressed, frustrated, anxious, and the list goes on. But there is something slightly different with this phase – Although I am experiencing a range of emotions, it is also exciting. I can do whatever I want, whenever, and how I want. Never in my life have I had this much control or freedom. Once I started thinking about the positive and allowing myself to grieve the life that included a house with laughing (or fighting) children, I could begin to breathe. My breaths led to calmness, and my calmness allowed me to open my mind and welcome my muse.
It has been over four years, but my creative guiding light and I have reunited. It is like a warm embrace after being apart from a loved one. It feels like the warmth and comfort of a winter sweater against chilled skin; it is part of my spirit. I did not lose my muse; I just needed to provide space for it.
I am happy to share that I will be returning to writing. I am not sure what that means. I will continue to work on my blog, but I may explore essays, short stories, or, dare I say, a novel. I am confident of one thing; writing is my passion, and it connects me to a part of me that needs to live and breathe. My love for writing and sharing my voice fills my soul and opens the door to my muse – my higher self. You know where I’ve been, and I hope to continue to share where I am going.
@honestlybyellengood, 2024
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Honestly by Ellen Good 