She wandered through the empty corners of her mind looking for direction and inspiration she may have not tapped into quite yet. She felt numb and uninspired, almost comatose as she navigated through this next phase of her life. This was the moment she had fantasized about for years when she was knee deep in responsibility and unrelenting demands; to be on her own and to call the shots when life decision needed to be made. On the contrary, she felt incapable of thinking past this one moment, towards the horizon for new opportunities and adventure.
She had been so focused on getting through each day making certain her loved ones’ needs were met that she often did not have the time nor the energy for herself. Her attention and resources were always zeroed in on her children and her own health battles that she never allowed herself to feel carefree. Her strength and willpower, which propelled and pushed her through cancer and divorce, also made her stoic and a bit of a loner. She closed her heart off and boxed up the pain in order to stay focused and rebuild her life. She could not allow herself to fall apart, for she did not have the time nor the resources for a breakdown.
The joy she received primarily came from watching her children grow and magically transform into young adults. Her happiness was often dependent upon the happiness and approval of others along with her professional achievements. If her loved ones were happy, then so was she. As her children entered adulthood, she forgot how to be happy for herself and to do things that solely brought her delight and contentment. She felt unnerved to put herself first and placing the opinions of others aside. For years her attention was narrowly focused on forging ahead and remaining a strong, responsible adult in every aspect. She never diverted from the path and kept her eyes set on the end game.
The thought of self-indulgence was not only a foreign concept, but a forbidden one. Self-serving acts were to come later in life when she had accomplished all her goals and achieved her career aspirations. Had she been strong too long? Was she too independent? Had she simply lost the thirst and ability live for herself? Perhaps this crossroad she stumbled upon is the first step to learning to let go and live a bit. Is it time she loosens the grip on her need for control and let life take the wheel for a bit? Could she begin to resist focusing on what she has yet to accomplish and start marveling at all that has been achieved?
She should be proud of the world she created and the love she has provided others. She mothered to the best of her abilities and provided her children with the best version of herself. She led by example and showed them what hard work and sacrifice could accomplish. They are thriving and doing just fine. She has a career that is promising and is financially stable. She should realize that despite all her setbacks, she has achieved tremendous growth. She has never stopped moving and she does not know the meaning of defeat. She will let the concept of “what if” and “if only” evaporate into the past.
Today is going to be different, today she is going to take a deep breath and acknowledge her life is evolving and morphing into something unfamiliar. Her home dynamic and overall life is changing, but it is not to be feared, rather embraced. She will always remain a supportive, present mother, but it is time to allow her children to find themselves and their place in the world while she does the same. She is going to learn to enjoy the journey and accepts the risks and insecurities that come with the ride. She will unfold and focus on her dreams that were once silently placed in the background. She will not hold fear in her soul but will only allow joy and positivity to take refuge in her being.
Today she will take the leading step from the uncertainty at the crossroad onto the path she so chooses, but before doing so, she will start with the simplest of acts; she will start with loving herself first.
©Honestly by Ellen Good 2020
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